The Female Narcissist: When the Victim Is a Man

It will come as no surprise by now that I often spend my daily dog walks - or those rare, precious moments of peace - listening to real-life podcasts or reading articles that explore the struggles people face, both personally and professionally.

As I’ve touched on before, over the past few weeks I’ve been listening to several podcasts and reading articles that explore narcissistic relationships and the deep, long-lasting trauma they can leave behind.

Many of the stories shared are powerful, emotional accounts from people describing the psychological damage they endured at the hands of a narcissistic partner. But something kept catching my attention.

There was a recurring theme in the language used.

Almost automatically, the narrative would refer to the victim as “she” and the narcissist as “he.”

In several of the podcasts and articles, the hosts or writers would eventually pause and correct themselves, acknowledging that it could just as easily be the other way round.

But the fact that the correction was needed at all says something important.

Even now, there is still an underlying assumption that narcissistic abuse tends to be male-to-female.

And while those situations absolutely exist (as I unfortunately know well first hand) and deserve continued attention and support, there is another side of the story that has historically been far less visible.

Men can be victims too.

And in many cases, the abuse they experience can be every bit as psychologically damaging - sometimes even more so - when men still feel that it is not socially acceptable to speak openly about their experiences or seek the support they need.

For a long time, society has been slower to recognise this reality. But thankfully, that conversation is starting to change.

The Rise of the Covert Female Narcissist

Female narcissists often operate very differently to their male counterparts.

Where male narcissism can sometimes appear more overt - dominating, controlling, aggressive - female narcissism frequently sits within the covert category.

It’s quieter. More calculated. More socially disguised.

Instead of overt domination, the patterns often involve:

• manipulation

• emotional control

• victim narratives

• reputation management

• subtle psychological erosion

The damage is often deep and long-lasting precisely because it can be harder for outsiders to recognise.

And for male victims, speaking about it can feel incredibly difficult.

When a Word Becomes a Buzzword

In recent years, the term narcissist has become something of a buzzword.

It’s used widely across social media, podcasts and everyday conversation.

And while it’s incredibly valuable that people are becoming more aware of unhealthy behaviours and toxic relationship dynamics, the term is sometimes overused or misapplied.

Most people possess narcissistic traits from time to time. Ego, pride, defensiveness - these are normal human characteristics that appear on a spectrum.

But true pathological narcissism is something very different.

It is persistent, calculated, manipulative and deeply destructive.

Unfortunately, as public awareness grows, those with truly narcissistic personalities can become adept at using that awareness to their advantage.

A covert narcissist - particularly one skilled in reputation management - may begin to weaponise the very language used to identify narcissism.

Through gaslighting and projection, they may accuse their partner of the behaviours they themselves display.

They present themselves as the wounded, vulnerable victim while carefully crafting a narrative that dismantles the other person’s reputation.

False allegations, distorted stories and selective truths can be incredibly powerful tools when deployed in the right social environment.

And because society is still learning to recognise male victims of emotional abuse, these narratives can sometimes take hold before the full reality is understood.

When the Abuse Doesn’t End With the Relationship

One of the most damaging aspects of narcissistic relationships is that the trauma often does not end when the relationship itself ends.

For many victims, separation is not the conclusion of the abuse but the beginning of a new phase.

Narcissistic personalities often struggle deeply with loss of control. When that control is threatened or removed, they may attempt to regain it through other means.

If children are involved, they can become one of the most painful tools available.

But the attacks often extend far beyond parenting disputes.

Attempts to damage the other person’s:

• reputation

• professional standing

• financial stability

• social relationships

can continue long after the relationship has ended.

The goal is often not resolution, but continued control.

For the person on the receiving end, this can feel relentless and exhausting - a situation where the conflict seems to follow them into every area of life.

Why Male Victims Often Stay Silent

For many men, admitting they have been emotionally abused by a partner runs directly against deeply ingrained social expectations.

Men are supposed to be strong.

Resilient.

In control.

Admitting vulnerability - particularly within a relationship dynamic - can feel like a personal failure rather than the trauma response it actually is.

Add children into the situation and the emotional stakes become even higher.

Many men remain silent because they fear that speaking up will risk losing access to the very thing they are trying to protect most - their relationship with their children.

When the System Works Against Them

One of the most painful aspects for many fathers navigating these situations is the feeling that the system itself still operates from outdated assumptions.

Historically, family courts in many countries have leaned heavily toward the idea that mothers should be the dominant parent following separation.

While this is evolving slowly, strong remnants of that thinking still influence decisions today.

For fathers dealing with a narcissistic ex-partner, this can create devastating consequences.

Not only can they find themselves emotionally and financially drained through prolonged legal battles, but they can also face the painful reality of being distanced from their children.

And the children themselves often suffer deeply in the process.

The Impact on Children

When a narcissistic parent begins influencing children against the other parent, the consequences can be profound.

Children may be placed in impossible emotional positions.

They may feel pressured to choose sides.

They may absorb narratives that distort their understanding of the other parent.

In many cases, children lose access to loving, stable relationships that would otherwise have enriched their lives.

And that loss can echo through adulthood.

A Conversation That’s Finally Starting

Recently I was listening to The Eventful Lives Podcast by Dodge Woodall, which touches on many powerful and thought-provoking subjects. (if you've never listened to one, please do).

In one episode, Dodge speaks with the founder of Fathers 4 Justice, an organisation that has spent years campaigning for greater awareness of fathers’ rights and the importance of shared parenting.

The conversation highlights just how many fathers have found themselves fighting not only personal battles but systemic ones too.

Men who love their children deeply.

Men who want to be present, involved, nurturing parents.

Men who simply want the chance to remain a meaningful part of their children’s lives.

As conversations like this grow, the hope is that the wider public - and eventually the justice system - continues to evolve alongside them.

Breaking the Silence

One of the most important steps in addressing any form of abuse is bringing it into the open.

For male victims of narcissistic relationships, that means creating spaces where their experiences are recognised, believed and understood.

It means encouraging men to speak without shame.

It means acknowledging that abuse is not defined by gender.

And it means continuing to push for systems that treat fathers and mothers with equal fairness when it comes to parenting.

A Personal Perspective

I say this not just as someone observing the issue from the outside, but as a divorced mother myself.

From the very beginning, my son’s father and I shared one unwavering principle.

No matter how we ever felt about each other, our son would always come first.

And because of that, we have always supported one another’s relationship with him and are proud of the dynamic we have created.

I feel incredibly lucky that my son has a father who loves him deeply and wants to be fully present in his life.

I would never dream of interfering with that.

In fact, I celebrate it.

My son benefits enormously from having two homes where he is loved, supported and encouraged to grow.

His father and his wife are wonderful people who care for him deeply, and our ability to co-parent harmoniously has allowed him to grow up in a stable, positive environment.

It has always been our shared understanding that his wellbeing sits above everything else.

And when that principle remains at the centre of parenting decisions, children thrive.

Changing the Narrative

The goal of shining a light on male victims of narcissistic abuse is not to diminish the experiences of women who have suffered similar trauma.

There is space - and need - to recognise both.

But if we want healthier families, healthier children and fairer systems, we must be willing to acknowledge the full picture.

Abuse does not belong to one gender.

And neither should support, empathy or justice.

The more these stories are shared, the more we can create a world where men feel able to speak, heal and remain present fathers to the children who need them most.