When to Stay and When to Go in a Relationship

Understanding the Difference Between Settling and Staying

One of the most common - and most heart-breaking - dilemmas clients bring to me is this:

“I’m unhappy in my relationship. I can list a hundred reasons why. I feel like I’ve lost myself, missed out on dreams, wasted years… But I still don’t know if I can leave.”

If this feels familiar, you’re not alone.

Deciding whether to stay in a relationship or walk away is rarely black and white. It’s not always about love or even compatibility - it’s often about fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of regret. Fear of starting over. Fear of making the wrong decision.

It’s Not Always About Who’s Right or Wrong

I should just add here that what it isn't necessarily about is whether either of you are right or wrong - or even good or bad people. That’s one of the most confusing parts for many. We like to believe that if a relationship isn’t working, it must be because someone’s failing or not trying hard enough (everyone likes a villain and a victim).

But the truth is, you can have two genuinely good people, both loving, kind, and well-intentioned - yet when put together, their dynamic becomes emotionally destructive or stagnant. Sometimes, the combination just doesn't work. You trigger each other in ways that shut you down rather than open you up.

And that’s almost the hardest thing to come to terms with: that love isn’t always enough, and that compatibility - emotionally, energetically, and in terms of values - matters just as much, if not more.

It can be deeply painful to realise that the problem isn’t that either of you is “broken,” but that together, you bring out the worst instead of the best in one another.

The Emotional Tug-of-War: Fear vs. Hope

When you're stuck in a relationship that no longer feels right, you're likely living in limbo - an emotionally exhausting place to be. Many people feel torn between two powerful forces:

• Fear of leaving: “What if I never find someone else?” “What if I regret this later?” “What if I’m just chasing some perfect relationship that doesn’t exist?” "Is the grass really greener on the other side?"

• Hope of staying: “Maybe things will change.” “It’s not that bad.” “I’ve invested so much - maybe I owe it one more try.”

And then, there’s grief - for lost time, forgotten dreams, or the version of yourself you had to suppress to keep the relationship afloat and the things you never got to have because of it. That grief can be even harder to confront than the fear.

But beneath all this is the deeper question: “Am I expecting too much… or am I ignoring my truth?”

Boundaries, Values, and the Decision to Stay or Leave

Part of deciding whether to stay or go in a relationship involves getting clear on your boundaries - and, more importantly, asking yourself:

Am I prepared to walk away if those boundaries are crossed?

If you haven’t done this at the beginning of your relationship, now is the time. And if you're years into something long-term, this might actually be part of the problem - boundaries were never clearly established, or they were crossed without consequence. The question then becomes: Are we too far in to go back and re-establish what was never set?

The truth is, this will look different for everyone, because your boundaries should be based on your core values.

What Are Your Core Values?

For example, if loyalty is a non-negotiable value for you, then ask yourself: What constitutes disloyalty or betrayal? Is it only physical infidelity? Or does emotional betrayal -inappropriate texts or secretive communication - also cross the line?

For me, loyalty in a relationship is simple and absolute. Inappropriate texting or secretive conversations cross a line I can’t return from. Once that trust is broken, it changes everything.

Equally, maybe family is a core value or respect.

Get Clear Together

The point is this:

• First, get clear on your own core values.

• Then, identify what might conflict with those values in a relationship.

• Finally, have an open, honest, and mutual conversation with your partner where you both share your non-negotiables and boundaries.

If you’re not sure what your core values are, we can explore that together - there are value elicitation exercises that can help you uncover what truly matters to you beneath the surface.

Because if you don’t know what your own dealbreakers are, it becomes nearly impossible to know when a relationship has gone too far in the wrong direction

The Myth of the Perfect Relationship

We live in a world that romanticises love stories but rarely talks about the work behind lasting relationships. No relationship is perfect. Every long-term partnership requires effort, compromise, and emotional flexibility. You have to want to be able to grow together.

But there’s a critical distinction:

• Healthy relationships challenge you to grow while still allowing you to be yourself.

• Unhealthy relationships ask you to shrink, silence, or sacrifice who you are in order to maintain the connection.

Life Isn’t Static - And Neither Are Relationships

Life is not static. It’s messy, unpredictable, and full of seasons - some light, some incredibly heavy. There will always be challenges: career changes, parenting stress, health issues, loss, identity shifts. No relationship is immune.

The strongest couples aren’t the ones who avoid difficulty, but the ones who navigate it together. They grow through the hard stuff, not around it. They communicate, adapt, and hold space for each other as life inevitably evolves. They don’t expect smooth sailing - they build a strong enough foundation to weather the storms.

But - and this is the most important part - it requires two people who are both willing to do the work, both committed to mutual growth, and both emotionally safe for each other. One person can't carry the entire emotional load alone.

Signs It Might Be Time to Leave

While no two relationships are the same, here are some red flags that may indicate it's time to consider walking away:

• You’ve communicated your needs repeatedly, and they continue to go unmet.

• You feel more alone in the relationship than you think you would out of it.

• There’s a consistent lack of emotional safety or mutual respect.

• You fantasise about freedom - not about someone new, just not being here.

• You're staying out of guilt, fear, or obligation - not love.

Signs It Might Be Worth Staying

Not every difficult relationship is doomed. Sometimes, the issue isn't the relationship itself but life’s external pressures. Consider that maybe you should be staying if:

• There’s a strong foundation of mutual respect, trust, and emotional safety.

• Both of you are willing to take accountability and work on change.

• You feel like yourself in the relationship, not just a role you're playing.

• The current challenges are situational (stress, parenting, work) rather than deeply relational.

• You still share core values, a vision for the future, and a desire to grow together.

In any of these cases, there’s often far more reflection required - and conversations that need to be had - before reaching clarity, and that clarity may not lead to the breakdown of the relationship.

Take time to consider the root causes that may be leading you to question the state of your relationship. What’s really underneath the discomfort or dissatisfaction?

• Is it something within your control?

• Is it something that requires you to shift, grow, or take accountability?

• Or is it something that needs to be brought into the open - with honesty and vulnerability - so you and your partner can address it together?

Not all relationship doubts mean it’s over. But they often signal that something important is asking for your attention. Whether that’s within yourself, your dynamic, or your unmet needs - it’s important that you listen to it.

Should You Settle in a Relationship?

“Settling” is a word loaded with meaning. Some think it’s synonymous with giving up. But sometimes, settling just means accepting the reality that no one will meet 100% of your needs 100% of the time.

The difference lies here:

• Settling becomes harmful when it involves sacrificing your joy, peace, growth, or core values.

• Staying becomes wise when it means choosing what truly matters to you and letting go of unrealistic expectations.

If you're abandoning your self-worth to maintain a relationship, that's not compromise - that’s self-abandonment.

What’s on the Other Side of Leaving?

Here’s the honest truth: no one can promise what lies ahead after a breakup.

You might feel grief. You might feel relief. Often, it's both.

But many who take the leap eventually report:

• A clearer sense of self

• Greater emotional freedom

• Rediscovery of purpose and passion

• A deep trust in their ability to make empowered choices

And even if it's hard, there’s power in choosing yourself.

So… Stay or Go? Ask Yourself This:

Maybe the real question isn’t:

“Should I stay or should I go?”

Maybe it’s:

“Who am I becoming in this relationship?” “Is this relationship helping me grow, or is it holding me back?” “Is this who I want to be?”

Because the answer isn’t just about the relationship. It's about you.

So real thoughts to consider when you're Navigating Relationship Doubts

• Don’t ignore the cost of staying stuck.

• Have boundaries knowingly been crossed that you cannot come back from

• No relationship is perfect - but healthy ones feel safe, respectful, and allow room for growth.

• Trust your inner voice. Often, you already know the answer - you just need the courage to face it - and for this, that's a whole different conversation, but trust that half the work is already done.