Why Do We Stay in What Hurts Us?

Understanding Why We Hold On to What Doesn’t Bring Us Joy

We’ve all been there - stuck in a relationship, job, friendship, or habit that drains us. We know it’s not making us happy. We know we deserve better. And yet… we stay.

Why?

1. Familiarity Feels Safe, Even When It’s Not

Our brains are wired for familiarity, not necessarily for happiness. When we grow up in chaos, neglect, or emotional confusion, we may begin to associate that discomfort with normal. We may not even recognise that we did - but you can bet your bottom dollar that when you look back, some of the issues of today feel all to familiar to something that happened in the past. So when we find ourselves in similar dynamics later in life - relationships that feel unstable, jobs that stress us out - it feels strangely comfortable. Not because it's good for us, but because it’s what we know.

2. We Confuse Struggle with Worth

Many of us were taught that love, success, or happiness must be earned through pain or sacrifice. So when things feel easy or peaceful, we might subconsciously believe we’re doing something wrong. We think we have to fight for our place in someone’s life, prove our value, or tolerate discomfort to deserve love.

But here’s the truth: Struggle isn’t a requirement for joy. You don’t have to suffer to be worthy.

3. The Fear of the Unknown

Leaving what’s familiar - even if it’s hurting us - can feel terrifying. What if the next thing is worse? What if we end up alone? (particular if that's a deep-rooted fear for us in itself) What if we fail?

These are valid fears. But often, they keep us locked in patterns that shrink us. Staying stuck becomes a way to avoid uncertainty. But in doing so, we also avoid possibility.

4. Trauma Bonds & Emotional Conditioning

In some cases, especially in toxic or emotionally abusive relationships, what we’re experiencing isn’t just a bad connection - it’s a trauma bond. These bonds can feel intense, addictive, and incredibly hard to break. The highs feel euphoric, the lows devastating. Our nervous systems get hooked on the cycle, confusing it for real connection.

Recognising this is the first step to healing it. That feeling in your gut that closely resembles excitement - the kind you feel on a rollercoaster- can also be the rollercoaster of an emotional kind that in fact comes from anxiety and leaves you in a constant state of flux that can lead to all kinds of trouble if not addressed.

5. We Haven’t Truly Believed We Deserve Better

Deep down, part of us may still believe we’re not worthy of more. That we should be grateful for what we have. That asking for more is selfish or unrealistic.

But that’s the voice of old wounds - not truth.

So What Can We Do?

• Become aware of the stories we’re telling ourselves.

• Practice self-compassion instead of self-blame.

• Seek support - healing often requires some form of intervention, whether it be coaching, NLP, therapy, or mentorship.

• Take small steps toward change, even if they feel scary.

• Remind yourself: peace is not boring. Safety is not weakness. You are allowed to choose joy, even if you once settled for survival.

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You don’t have to stay where your soul is shrinking. You are allowed to leave, to heal, and to build a life that actually feels like yours. Breaking the Cycle: Understanding the Roots of Toxic Patterns. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting for a second that its easy to walk away from a relationship, or turn your entire career upside down - especially when you may perhaps have children at the centre of it - but remember that your life is your story and you can edit it as often as you choose. It doesn't have to be a full-stop, perhaps its just a comma, or start of a new paragraph?

We all have patterns - ways we react, cope, and relate to others. But sometimes, those patterns become harmful, even if they feel familiar. And more often than not, the hardest part of healing is admitting: we’ve found comfort in the discomfort.

Why Do We Repeat Toxic Patterns?

Toxic patterns - whether in relationships, habits, or self-talk - don’t appear out of nowhere. Many of them are survival strategies we learned early on. They may have helped us cope with chaos, abandonment, or emotional neglect. Over time, they became familiar… and in that familiarity, we found a strange sense of safety.

That’s the tricky thing about healing: Your nervous system doesn’t crave what’s good for you. It craves what it knows.

So we repeat. We attract the same kind of relationships. We self-sabotage when things start going well. We silence our needs because that’s what we’ve always done. And then we wonder why we feel stuck.

Finding Comfort in the Discomfort

You might notice that even when things are calm or healthy, it feels off. You might crave chaos or conflict - not because you enjoy it, but because it’s what you associate with connection or attention.

This is not weakness. It’s conditioning. It's your brain and body trying to protect you using old maps that no longer serve you.

Recognising the Trauma Beneath

To break free from these cycles, we need to go deeper - not just into behaviour, but into the wounds beneath them. Ask yourself:

• What experience first taught me this pattern?

• When did I learn that love had to hurt?

• Why do I feel unsafe when things are peaceful?

This kind of self-inquiry isn’t easy. It requires courage, honesty, and often, support. But within it lies the power to reclaim your story.

You Can Choose Again

Awareness is the first step. Compassion is the second. And from there, you can begin to choose differently, even if it feels unfamiliar. You can teach your nervous system a new language - one where peace doesn’t equal danger, where love doesn’t come at a cost, where you don’t have to suffer to be seen.

You’re allowed to outgrow your survival patterns. You're allowed to rewrite the story - and in fact you must do this several times over in your life in order to grow. You're allowed to heal - even if it takes time, and it will.

Perhaps your first step was recognising the signs and reading this blog, and perhaps this is now where your journey to freedom begins and I'm right here with you when you need me. NLP can be a great tool for breaking old toxic behaviours. Please feel free to read my blog on what it is and the benefits of it to understand more.